BDSM Communication And Safety Techniques
So you are getting bored with your sex life & you are thinking that it might spice things up to get tied up and be spanked a little. Or maybe you really want to experiment with being forceful and calling the shots instead of being passive. Well, bondage and discipline (BDSM) will certainly spice your sex life up, whether you are the dominant or the submissive partner! So, you are on the right track. However, if you have never done something like this before you may be scared. You may have heard some bad things about Sadomasochism (S&M), or you may believe that it is dangerous. You may think that you are sick or perverted for even thinking of kinking up your sex life. Well, it is perfectly normal to want to try B&D and lots of people do it, to some degree or another. And when done in a healthy fashion B&D can be made very safe and enjoyable.
Before engaging in B&D for the first time you will want to think about exactly what you would like to try. Do you really want to be tied up, but do not want to experience any other form of discipline? Do you want to just be submissive, just be dominant, or do you really want to try out both? Do you want to be spanked on the ass with a hand, with a whip, or with something else? Where else might you like to be swatted? Do you want to have your nipples clamped, weighted, bound, or not messed with at all? What other toys do you want to involve in the scene? Will there be role-play that is acted out? I highly recommend watching some instructional videos and/or reading some instructional books before getting started on your new B&D or S&M journey. Ona Zee has a series of B&D instructional videos called, “Learning the Ropes”. She has videos in this series for both male and female submissives and dominants, as well as lesbian B&D. A wonderful resource for safe S&M for beginners is Jay Wiseman’s SM 101.
The number one key to safe B&D and S&M is communication. I cannot emphasize this enough. There should be communication before any B&D scene, during the scene, and after the scene. It is very important before experimenting with B&D to have a full discussion with your partner about exactly what both your limits & his/her limits are. It is a very good idea to discuss exactly what you do want to do and precisely what you do NOT want to do. The beauty of B&D and S&M is that all relationships have power dynamics that are being played out in the bedroom, but in a healthy B&D scene these power dynamics and roles are clearly discussed beforehand and are overt. This has the potential for much more honest, safe, & fulfilling sex than your vanilla sex activities. But it is essential to communicate if one wants to be safe. It is also very important to trust your partner and to know that they are trustworthy and will not disregard your desires and needs during a scene. For this reason I recommend that you not start experimenting with B&D with a poorly known partner.
At this point I want to bring something very important up. Although during a scene an outsider may believe that the dominant individual is calling the shots, in reality the submissive individual is in the lead. Never, ever disregard or ignore the submissive’s signals or cues. Never go beyond what was discussed before the scene. The boundaries set before the scene starts must be respected in order for the scene to be safe.
During a scene it is very important to have certain safety precautions set up. In case of a fire or other crisis one should always have sharp scissors or a sharp knife prepared to free the bound individual. Some people like to be bound because they like the feeling of pulling and having the tension, but like to be able to let themselves free whenever they want. If the person being bound desires this, then it is important to do this appropriately. Also, before starting the scene a safe word should be chosen. The word should be something that would not ordinarily come up during sex. Some people use two words, such as red, which means, “stop and let me out of this scene immediately” and yellow which means, “Let’s rest for a bit or go slower.” If a safe word is used it should be responded to immediately. Some people during a scene become so disconnected from their conscious environment that they find it difficult to speak. And it is also a good idea for the dominant to check in often with the submissive, but asking, “are you OK?” may ruin the moment. Therefore, before the scene begins a form of physical communication should be developed. For instance, the dom can squeeze the upper arm of the sub three times. If the sub is doing ok she/he can then shake her head three times up & down. If the sub is not doing all right, she/he can either shake their head no three times or do nothing. If the sub does not respond affirmatively the dom should then ask verbally if the sub is OK and disrupt the scene.
As you can see, all the techniques above require open & honest communication. A scene will only be safe and enjoyable if both parties have ultimate control of setting their limits and enforcing them. This can only be accomplished through communication, both verbal and physical. After a scene it is important to have another discussion. At this time it is a good idea to discuss what felt good, what didn’t feel good, if there were definite things that were scary, what you might like to try again next time, what you don’t want to do again, etc. Without checking in after the scene it is hard to know how to improve the B&M or S&M play and lovemaking. Also, if something was done that was not acceptable, this is an appropriate time to make that clear and to set firmer boundaries for future scenes. This is also a good time to explore “flipping” or trying the other role on for size.
Don’t be afraid to experiment with getting kinky during sex. Diversity is the spice of life, and it is always nice to have a spicy sexual relationship. As long as communication and safety are central to a B&D or S&M scene, these activities can be quite healthy, enjoyable, and powerfully erotic.